Shall I Confess?
I'm not fine, and I've not been fine in a long while— no matter how hard I pretend, or how tight I cling to optimism. I'm in a terrible place, and I keep having depressive episodes, because apparently, I'm still depressed. What a shocker. I've not had the motivation to write much recently, so I'm just gonna confess stuff I'm struggling with— but only those I'm only comfortable with saying and won't regret after posting this. So, welcome to a raw session with me.
I'd like for you to listen to this while you read.
1) I think I'm a pathetic, horrible person. I just feel it deep within. One of my friends told me to stop complaining if I won't do anything to change the parts about me I think are negative, but honestly, being self-aware doesn't make me take steps to work on my flaws— it just makes me sad about who I am.
2) I severally hurt someone I used to be close to, and I've not really forgiven myself for it, because I keep thinking of how sad I made them and what they might think of me now. I messed up. Because I'm messed up.
3) I've been struggling with my transmasculinity a lot, recently. I wrote a post titled “I Wish I Was A Boy"— that wasn't random; it described my struggle up from childhood till now. Basically, I feel like I don't belong in my female body. It's deeply upsetting, because there's nothing I can do about it... I think.
4) Somehow, I'm scared about life. What if it all doesn't work out? What if I fail? I know I should not let thoughts like this cross my mind, and I don't want to be so afraid of something that it ends up happening to me. But really, what if… things don't work out for me?
5) I know I should be focusing on my books and other personal areas in this stage and age I am, but truthfully, I worry I won't find love in someone. I know, it's unreasonable. I try not to dwell too much on it, but even in my imaginations, I can't see anything really solid. I'm scared of past trauma coming up and affecting things.
6) I hate life and I hate myself. Sometimes, I'm happy, but when I'm not— or even when I am— I still think of how things would be better if I wasn't here.
7) Consequently, I struggle with self-love, and so when people compliment me or say nice things to me, I think it's just mere words and I'm not all that.
8) I feel hypocritical. I don't even know how to really explain, but I don't just like it. And I've been getting easily irritated and agitated at a lot of things. I hate that I'm too sensitive.
9) I'll finally be going to school in a few weeks, and while I'm excited, I'm also a bit afraid of some things. How will I fit into the new system? How will I cope, being the person I am? And most importantly, how will I get a new phone before March?
10) I've been feeling like... I'm not doing enough, and that other people on Substack are better than me. I try not to post with expectations. I fail at it. I just want my peace back. But then, did I ever have it?
This is all for now. Thank you for reading.
First time commenting on Substack. I felt compelled to write because so much of what you shared resonated with me. I’ve struggled with transmasculinity too, and, honestly, I still do, but I’ve come a long way. I wanted to share a few things that helped me, in case any of them might help you as well.
First: stop clinging to optimism. Life can be genuinely nasty. Seeing it for what it is was a turning point for me. I used to be very optimistic, and I know optimism works for some people, but letting go of it helped me be more grounded.
Second: get out of your head. When you find yourself thinking in circles, try sharing those thoughts with someone. Often, you’ll realise they’re not as bad as they seem or that what felt so convincing in your head sounds kind of ridiculous out loud.
It’s also okay to feel sad and to be sad. It’s okay to make mistakes, even in relationships. The fact that you notice them and feel bad about them is a good thing; it means you’re growing.
One last thing: when you catch yourself saying things like 'I hate life' or 'I hate myself,' don’t stop there. Ask why. Write it down, or talk it through with someone, so you don’t stay stuck in your head. You might find the reason, or you might not, but at least you’re moving toward understanding instead of spiralling.
You might also want to check out Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. It won’t make you optimistic or hopeful (I dislike both), but it shows the horror and nastiness of life, and maybe it could convince you that you're capable of enduring more than you think.
Reading this made me wish I could give you a hug. You don’t need to be anything more than you are right now. 🫂